My oldest daughter sat on a swing in a nearby run down park contemplating the fact that her husband and her had just agreed to divorce. It was about eight in the evening and I told her she needed to find a place to stay. She said she could go back home and stay until she found a new place. She was several states away from us so we weren’t close enough for her to stay with us. I had a co-worker who had an aunt who lived near her and was looking for a roommate. Within a week she would move in with her and this woman would change both of our lives.
Say Hello to B
We call her B. B is a widow and mother of two adults sons. She was in a place in life where she wanted a roommate to liven up the house a bit and provide some companionship. My daughter needed her more than B needed a companion, and I needed her example. B was living on her own and working a great job. She volunteered on the weekends to help people struggling with addiction. B was full of life and taught my daughter how to embrace the moment. She was mature, settled, energetic, fun, and certain of who she was. Her battle scars had turned into wisdom.
B was a complex woman. She invited my daughter to join her and her friends, all over age 50, to her dinner party at the house. B would put a dress on and heels after making dinner and the party would include eating, dancing, drinking wine, and enjoying the moment. This was a stark contrast to the controlling lifeless environment my daughter has escaped from. B was marinated, mellow, sweet, tart, and playful. She was assured and alluring, yet maternal and resourceful. It was clear she had come into herself. She knew her core character and was unapologetic about it. This is who I am.
“A seasoned woman is spicy. She has been marinated in life experiences. Like a complex wine, she can be alternately sweet, tart, sparkling, mellow. She is both maternal and playful. Assured, alluring, and resourceful.”
Gail Sheehy
Versus the younger women my daughter knew who were running after things the world was telling them to run after. Who had no foundation or core values. Who thought little of themselves and had no vision for developing a cultured outlook on life. They were running around chasing men and drinking. B was embracing life, reading, experiencing, resting in wisdom, dancing when no one was looking, dressing up for life, and enriching her senses with good company, sensual home aesthetics, and sounds. She wasn’t running after anything. She was settled and sorted and didn’t take any crap from anybody.
She wasn’t a bitch. That thing we can be when we think standing up for ourselves means showing our colors. When we think the only way to create boundaries is to be a bully. When B walks in a room you understand clearly she knows who she is and isn’t changing for anyone. She isn’t a people pleaser. She learned not to care about others opinions. She has a gleam in her eyes that suggests wisdom and understanding. She doesn’t need to be loud and proud to let others know she is defined. She is just herself. She has let the pain of the past create depth within her. She works hard and knows how to play. She grasps the beauty of the moment and doesn’t make excuses to anyone. She demonstrates the beautiful embrace of the second half of life and makes anyone near her look forward to theirs.
After staying with her for a couple weeks my daughter told me she was the exact thing she needed as she started going through her divorce. She needed to see a woman who would embrace life with such fullness, who had such surety about her, and was unapologetic about who she was. Mom, she puts on a pretty dress and hosts a dinner party. We laughed and danced and I had the most fun. Mom, she is the kind of woman I want to be. I was tempted to be hurt by that, but at that time of my life I was not a person to emulate. I was a person you pitied. Years of transition and change flung me into depression. I was as lost and confused as my daughter and B provided us both with an example of what we wanted to be.
Over 50 & Prime
My daughter has sense moved on from B’s house, but has encountered women similar to her. One day she commented that she liked hanging around women my age, I am 52, because they are fun and know who they are. They figured out how to stand up for themselves without being a bitch. They are confident, sensual, sexy, and mature. Mom these women just don’t mess around and I love it. They aren’t worried about all that stuff that younger women worry about. I can’t wait to be 50.
If we aren’t the complex marinated women we hoped to be at this age, it’s time to become one. As I have gotten through my depression and confusion I am emerging as the marinated, mellow, assured, and alluring women I always hoped to be. I let my pain teach me and used it to develop wisdom and understanding. I have emerged from my transition confident and ready to take on second adulthood. I am ready for life after raising kids and for embracing every moment of life passionately.
In our 20’s we thought we had arrived as we gained our freedom from our parents. We would later embrace our 30’s just to get away from the shit show of the 20’s. When we hit 40 we were hitting our stride, but little did we know what changes were ahead that would redefine us, again. By our 50’s we are hitting our prime. We have hit the stage of second adulthood and hopefully embraced it by now. We got through the emptying nest or are getting through it, have let that sink in, and are now primed and ready for creating and living a great life. It’s as if everything else was preparing us for the real thing. For our real life.
Life as a woman who has been hurt, and healed. Who was ignorant, but has learned. Who was weak, but has grown strong. Who was uncertain, but now understands. Who understands true freedom stems from values, purpose, and understanding oneself. Who is unapologetic. Can provide for herself. Is certain of the beauty of her body and of the care that it requires. She is unwilling to settle, serves an unwavering purpose, on the outlook for new horizons, and feels a boost of renewed independence. She is a seasoned woman and she is sensual and sexy in her own right and gets that has nothing to do with a hook up.
My daughter knew that somewhere in me was that woman, but that I had lost myself for a while. During that time I was being changed and redefined. I was putting off parts of myself that I didn’t want and was preparing to re-emerge as a better version of myself. A woman my adult children can respect and who my daughters want to emulate. A woman who is no longer defined by expectations, but paves her way ahead. That is a woman my daughter wants to hang out with. That is a seasoned woman.
Marcy Pedersen
