Are we adults because we feel like we are or because we hit a certain age or milestone? Is adulthood defined by our ability to earn an income, pay bills, and handle all the responsibilities that come with society, life, relationships, and self-care? Who decides when we are an adult? The answers to these questions are key to how parents define adulthood for their children and what the transition, or lack of, looks like when they leave home.
Our oldest son left home at 18 and was independent in all ways the moment he walked out of the house. Our oldest daughter lived at home while she completed her associate’s degree, a degree we didn’t pay for, but we allowed her to live with us rent free, bought her a car, cell phone, and helped with books and other expenses.
Our two youngest got a different version of us so we let them linger at home, paying for more, and letting go much slower. My brother is helping to pay for his kid’s college, and he believes that entitles him to have a say in his kids’ lives. My sister helps her adult kids by paying for cell phone bills, insurance, caring for a grandchild and paying for his daycare, and letting her son live in her rental property for free.
If anything is certain it is that we each have a different idea of when we consider our kids as adults and even when we do, many of us are still providing them a lot of financial support.
Our definition of adulthood will determine how we continue to interact with our children after the age of 18. That typical age when we realize they aren’t kids, but when what they are can get fuzzy. How many of us have really sat down to think about our definition of adulthood? If you are like me, you just wing it and hope it works out, but this is the longest stage of parenting and one we might want to think a little more about.
What Are The Markers
Author and University of Texas professor, Steven Mintz, notes that there is a myth that the path to adulthood was more seamless and smoother in the past, but that can only be said for the 1950’s and 60’s. Prior to that there was no predictable path that marked our arrival into adulthood.
Barbara Ray notes in her article for Psychology Today that a straight-shot to adulthood did exist, but began to unravel and the proof is the increase in the number of young adults living at home with their parents. The straight shot included going to college or getting a job, moving away from your parents, getting married, buying a house, and having kids. If you followed that path you were an adult.
Yet the markers don’t seem as clear today and psychologists talk about prolonged periods of adolescence and transitions into adulthood. There is the concept of “failure to launch” which some attribute to changes in the straight shot markers.
Those good ole’ manufacturing jobs don’t exist anymore, and there is a rising demand for an education that costs more and takes longer. People like my 24-year-old son are starting and stopping school. Trying their luck out in the job market and returning to school when they see a need for it. Ideas about family and marriage are changing and our kids are waiting longer before they start a family.
One question we could ask is what happened to our idea of adulthood? Did we have one and it get washed away or are we kind of repeating what others are doing? Are we having a clash with our kids over the definition? Did we ever have a definition to begin with? Did the fuzzy idea of adulthood come because of us not having a clear idea of what life as an adult meant in the first place?
With all this ambiguity and subjectivity around when a person is really an adult, Griffin of the NICHD suggests another way of thinking about it: “When are you really a child?”
Julie Beck
When Did We Become Adults?
I followed the straight shot. I left home at 18, got a job, married, bought a house, and had kids. I was raised to believe I was an adult when I left home and an adult I was. We raised our kids to believe the same thing, but it turned out differently for them and I’m not sure how much of that is culture, our parenting, their understanding, or the economy.
In some ways I was raised to be independent as a child. Call it a GenX thing. I wasn’t given much coddling, expected to figure out life and handle whatever came my way on my own. I’m sure the economy I started my life out in wasn’t much better, but I don’t remember having a choice but to get out in it.
It might not matter how and when we became adults as much as it matters that we define what it means to become one today. Our kids aren’t entering our world back in the day. They are entering a world that has changed significantly since we were born, since we became adults, and heck since a virus impacted the planet and changed the way we think about and live life.
Defining Traits of Adulthood
Is it an age? Is it when you turn 18, 21, or 25? Is age alone an indicator? Isn’t one of the reasons many parents don’t identify an age is because their kids aren’t making enough money to pay their own bills? Are those kids not paying because they truly can’t or because they don’t have to?
Is it a physical state or level? Are we an adult when our body has reached some sort of maturity level? I immediately think of my father who died at the age of 65 unable to pay for his fancy condo, car, and golf club lifestyle. His mom was paying all his bills while he was chasing his latest dream. He never reached a maturity level significant enough we could call him an adult.
Does it happen when they leave home? When they leave and get married seems clear cut, right? Is it when we leave home after getting a college degree? Is it when we leave home and are making a certain income? An income that confirms we can really make it. If so, what is that income and have we told our kids about it?
If adulthood is a feeling, when we feel like our kids are adults can vary from moment to moment. If we aren’t clear about when our kids are adults, they won’t have clear expectations and that can cause unnecessary confusion. People often respond to how they are treated.
The question of what makes an adult an adult is important for all of us to answer. Go to any dysfunctional and typical family dinner, and you will witness behavior that confirms the conflict that can arise when people don’t understand what an adult is and how they treat each other. We may have floundered around with many stages of parenting, but we still have time to figure out what it means to be an adult and establish boundaries indicative of our understanding.
It is key to getting to the next stage in our life and for them getting to theirs. Clear expectations and boundaries will help us establish what our new relationship with them will look like and will help us do what we can to launch them into a world that no one is ever ready for, but that we must live in.
Marcy Pedersen
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