Maybe you got the memo early in your marriage, but I missed it. Life has pivotal stages, and it can benefit us to notice them. We could even go as far as understanding their potential and preparing for them.
Empty Nest can be a pivotal stage for some couples, especially when it often coincides with the changing dynamics that middle-aged people experience. If you add on factors like “shifts in mental and physical health, family composition, aging parents, and financial vulnerabilities” you begin to understand the importance of this transition (Infurna, Gerstork, Lachman, 2020).
“Splitting up after age 50 — often called gray divorce, has doubled in the U.S. since 1990.”
— Ben Steverman/Los Angeles Times, 2019, para. 2
When the kids leave home, we have more space and time, which can lead to startling revelations. They aren’t all negative, but what we see can be surprising. We lived on autopilot for a long time and the empty nest transition can be a big enough jolt to get us off that and looking at things.
Most of us have heard the adage, “They kept it together until the kids left home.” Ben Steverman’s article notes that even if the increasing gray divorce trend stays the same, “they predict there will be more than 828,000 Americans divorcing each year by 2030” (Stevernman, 2019). That feels like enough reason to take things seriously.
The Marriage Check-Up
The empty nest signifies that active parenting is coming to an end.
If we aren’t having marriage problems it could be a good time to take a pulse check and identify where we are. We can do some visioning activities for our future.
If things aren’t going well or could be better, we can use our newfound freedom to focus on repairing what isn’t working.
The empty nest is a transition from doing to being a parent. We are now friends, advisors, consultants, or visitors. Being a parent of adults is a role that we don’t talk about enough.
Some words might enter our lives that we didn’t anticipate and aren’t quite prepared for as a couple. Words like a child’s divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction, being broke, sickness, and estrangement.
These factors and a few others are reasons to consider a check-up:
To identify stereotypical beliefs we have about aging, becoming grandparents, roles, responsibilities, and retirement. Check to see if you are taking someone else’s idea of what life should be like or your own into the second half of life.
To deal with empty nest grief, sadness, and midlife issues, to resolve past trauma and hurt, to get communication right, or to talk about finances.
To create a strong team before adding more people to the mix like in-laws, grandkids, daughter and son-in-laws, and a slew of family members we may have to interact with.
To get ready for what is ahead. There is a lot of life left to live. Let’s ensure we are the healthiest version of ourselves we can be to face it. Let’s be ready for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Something that would have helped us when we left our parents’ home.
If we’ve learned anything by this stage of life it is that life can be challenging. If our marriages have lasted this long, can it hurt to check on things so that we can thrive during one of the most amazing times of our lives?
Marcy Pedersen
