I can’t say we almost divorced in the past year, but there have been times when one wrong comment would have sent us into a fight that would have ended things. We choose to be quiet and keep moving on. We learned through our 32 years together how to maintain the peace for the sake of a greater good. I truly think he would have ended it if I didn’t support his new life goals as the kids left home, but at the time I didn’t care. I was knee deep in peri-menopause and empty nest syndrome, so fine we can do whatever. I wanted to end it several times at the thought of taking one more of his tantrums or dealing with one more of his texts about hating his job.
When the pain of the emptying nest, my daughters divorce, leaving a job I was passionate about so I could make more money, leaving my church, and pretty much losing all purpose in my life hit I noticed my heart longed for something to make me feel better. Almost 21 years ago my husband strayed so you would think I would be the last person to entertain the same idea, but when the heart hurts it longs for relief and my thoughts and desires were less than honorable. Had I gotten opportunity I would be writing about divorce and being single again at the age of 52.
Reasons For A Check-Up
Things may not be as they seem. Once the kids leave we have time to look at each other. That can be a scary thing. There is opportunity for change and one of us might be ready it and one of us might not. We might have been so focused on our careers and raising kids that we overlooked things or didn’t deal with things. Someone could have been changing inside and we weren’t aware.
Things could start to unravel. We had the kids to think about. They were a glue, a shared bond. When that glue is gone we might discover nothing else is keeping us together. It’s a story we have heard before, but we may not realize how true it could be for us. We might not have taken the time to consider if our marriage is in danger. We can add in some new glue, but we have to be together and willing to do so.
You may be taking stereotypes into the next phase: aging, roles, sex, sensuality, goals. Of course we would never do this. We didn’t bring unchecked ideals of how to parent into the mix, did we? I mean we didn’t start parenting being utterly clueless and just wing it. Lets try analyzing our thoughts and beliefs about aging, roles, sex, sensuality, and goals and figure out what we want to bring into the next part of life.
My dad left my mom after 38 years of marriage. They didn’t have much glue to begin with and what they had disappeared after we left home. They lived together for 38 years, but had separate lives. My example of a healthy sexual relationship was my mom telling me to just do it, it’s your job. As her way of dealing with the divorce she announced she was sure this would happen to me when the time came. Thanks mom. I appreciate the vote of confidence. My dad had a goal of becoming a golf pro and wanted to move to where his work would take him. She had a goal of living her life in the house she raised the kids in and continuing with their marriage as it was.
Surely I wouldn’t bring any stereotypes into my marriage. I won’t know unless I check. Thomas Moore says in his book, The Care of the Soul, that we all need “to find a way to become individuals, by finding our own depths and even our own darkness, without cutting ourselves from the maternal guidance within ourselves that keeps us in life and community.” To me this is a call to looking within ourselves, and analyzing the sum of who we are so that we can emerge as an individual without divorcing ourselves from the guidance we have received and that is within us. To me it means we need to look at what we believe about life, aging, relationship roles, sex, sensuality, and our goals or lack of them in this next stage. What if the only thing holding us back from a great second half of life and marriage is our need to look at what beliefs we are bringing into it and really deciding if that is what we want.
It’s not always easy being the parents of adults and challenging times could cause problems. Well little Johnny might change his degree concentration twenty times. Sally might get pregnant. Bob might quit school and start a YouTube channel. They could quit and start. Move out move back. There could be marriage and divorce. Birth and death. They might drain you financially and make you wish you had just adopted puppies instead. You might not be actively parenting anymore, but wait until the shit show starts of them living their very own lives and it’s nothing like you hoped for, and all you can do is watch. Don’t think that won’t impact your marriage, and when added on top of other stressors, can make things unbearable.
Maybe you were just getting by, but now it’s time to thrive. Maybe things have been pretty good. Maybe there is no real threat to your marriage and you and your husband are good with the status quo. Could it hurt to do some soul searching and just be sure you are really living the life you want. There is a whole world out there to explore and live in. I always wonder how many people have amazing ideas for how to live life, but get used to burying those over the years for whatever reason. They stop recognizing deep seeded desires and settle for what’s in front of them. Why not look at things. If you do and decide the life you have is the life you want, at least its an analyzed decision. A decision you can support, defend, and navigate.
To uncover past issues that have not been dealt with. I doubt you were like me and my husband and got so busy raising kids that you found ways to look past serious issues and cover them up. I bet we are the only ones that did that. Right? Well what if there is the chance that you have been overlooking issues that you have just gotten used to. What if they have become a normal way of life? Couldn’t’ it be helpful to look at them? Would it be better to risk splitting up or having regret?
Creating a strong team before we add more people to the mix. More people are coming and since when was that automatically a good thing. For those of us not like the families we see on Facebook adding in-laws, new families, and grand kids isn’t always a joyful thing. We would have to lie if we said it was the best thing that ever happened to us. A marriage check-up before all that comes can help us create a stronger marriage team and prepare for what is ahead. I had a son-in-law once, and his bossy mother caused a lot of trouble for my daughter and for her son. She tried calling and telling us what to do. A strong team can help maintain boundaries and help you navigate difficult situations—together.
My husband and I didn’t run to a marriage retreat or counselor when the kids started leaving home. We didn’t have family prayer time or attend some classes together. He’s not that kind of person, but through some soul searching and honest communication we were able to start talking things over. As we worked through the emptying nest and started letting ourselves talk about new goals we were checking to be sure we were headed in the direction we wanted to be in.
As I struggled through depression, grief, disillusionment, and confusion from various events I did some soul searching and started asking myself is this truly me, is this us, or am I bringing in other peoples ideas, beliefs, and expectations into it. As we worked through my emotions and his frequent breakdowns we discovered what was important to each other and we began to form an idea of what would be important to both of us. I would have loved a book, counselor, or teacher to have facilitated all that, but it’s not us. Maybe it’s you. If it is do that, but if its not, look for ways to check up on things and see how they are going. Look at you, look at him, look at the team that you are. What glue is holding you together?
Marcy Pedersen
