I helped our youngest son move into his new apartment, unpack, assemble IKEA, and did a Walmart run. Afterwards I bought pizza and as we finished eating he said well mom are you going to go?
My time to leave and begin a transition had come. He was ready to have his place to himself and start his own life.
I cried as I walked out to my car, though not as hard as I had with my other three kids. This time was different.
It was the last of our four children and my husband and I would be alone. I drove home and embraced my dog as if he was the last living creature on earth, headed out to the back deck with him, looked at the sky, and asked, “What do I do now?”
I wrote that three years ago and recommended the following list of things to say when the kids leave home. My inspiration came from an article I saw on lifehack.org giving parents 10 easy steps towards preparing for parenthood.
My thinking was let’s reverse those steps as we transition into the empty nest. Now I am adding on comments that reflect our reality three years later.
A friend told me once, “life ebbs and flows.” It does and has.
Say hello to a social life. We started to, got good at going out to eat, on adventures that didn’t include visiting the kids, and even went to a class together, but then.
But then one of them came back, left, and came back again. In the midst of that we moved out of state, I underwent several job changes, we bought a house, and started a year long remodel that isn’t finished.
Say hello to a quiet house, more privacy, and the opportunity to sleep as much as you want. We enjoyed this while it lasted. Lazy days on the couch, hanging out in jammies, sex with the bedroom door open, and being able to make all the noise we wanted.
But then, one of them came back, left, and came back again. During this time I ended up in counseling for three years for things I didn’t realize were problems until after I turned 50 and moved out of state. I ended up saying hello to sleeping pills, adopting a strict self-care plan to cope, and our quiet, private, fun seemed to evaporate.
Say hello to less day to day stress. Theoretically it should be like this and maybe for some parents it is, but for us we haven’t found their absence from home to necessarily equal less stress!
Why? 24/7 text messages with information I shouldn’t know about, wedding’s, moving, relationship problems, financial problems, pregnancy, divorce, and babies. All that stuff that happens to adults is happening to our adult children. Good luck not being stressed about it mom and dad.
Say hello to a clean house and time to do what you want after work. I cried when my last child moved out, but a week later I came home after work to a clean house. Shazam!
This is a perk, though, I am still trying to figure out what caring for the house looks like after the kids leave home. I started along the path I saw growing up, where I am the mom for my kids and spouse, but I’ve decided I don’t want to take that path. I’m not sure what things are going to look like in the future, but I don’t want to be the house maid.
Say hello to more money. This depends on how long you fund your adult children’s life, but at some point there should be a cut off.
I wrote that on the verge of our cut off from paying for anything for any adult child, but things took a turn. We had plans to downsize, but bought the bigger house instead. With the house came a remodel and our savings took a hit. With inflation our cash flow was reduced and we found ourselves back in debt. We are making more money than we ever dreamed and it feels like it isn’t enough. Did I mention one of the kids moved back in while they figure out life, which equates to this person has no money.
Say hello to the second half of life. A time about us, to the extent we make decisions to support that.
A time of amazing opportunity and growth. If we make the choice that is what this is going to be about.
It’s going to be what we make of it as we face continuous transitions and phases. Hopefully now we can use our knowledge, understanding, and wisdom to say hello to the second half of the best part of our lives.
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I am a writer/blogger, management analyst by day, wife of 34 years, mother of four adults, grandmother to our first granddaughter, am passionate about helping people and organizations improve and achieve goals.
People need support and we often provide that in the shape of advice. If we look at advice as one of many pieces of information we can decide what we want to do with it.
