At the age of fifty I was driven towards self-care to improve my mental, emotional, and physical health. When a woman starts thinking about herself, she does what? Gets a pedicure, a facial, buys new clothes, gets her hair colored, and a nice cut. She takes hot baths, soaks her feet, takes care of her skin, and gets rest.
That is how I started, but as my understanding of self-care developed I learned that there is much more to it than a good night cream and pretty toes, though for some of us that is definitely part of it.
Today’s new moms are set within a generation that promotes the message of self-care 24/7 via our phones. We don’t have to look very far these days before we have someone telling us to take care of ourselves.
When I was a young mom in the early 90’s, pre-internet, I was only exposed to a narrow set of messages. The message that I got from other women in my world was give everything to the kids, focus on running the house, getting dinner ready at 5, make a few extra dollars to make ends meet, and do it with your husband.
Self-care was seen as a prideful activity that bougie women did. Putting on face cream and having nice nails meant I was living a vain life. It was better to sacrifice, tolerate discomfort and dysfunction, and live as a martyr.
It’s Depth
Holly Downes notes in her article for Palatine that the term self-care has been branded as being about bubble baths, face masks, different flavors of green tea, and beautification efforts that help people give their bodies the attention it deserves. When mothers give up everything for their kids they often revert back when they leave home and re-start their efforts in the form of taking care of their bodies.
Downes reminds us self-care encompasses the physical, social, spiritual, and emotional. As complex beings it would make sense that it encompasses more than just our outward appearance, but how easy is it to forget that when we spend so many years changing diapers, being a good soccer mom, spending all our cash on their clothes, cars, education, and lifestyle.
“A society desperate for renewal” — Holly Downes
Roger Crisp notes in his article for the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy that self-care in a philosophical sense is a broader term encompassing well-being. Well-being is a concern for what is good for us and how well a person’s life is going. It can include health but is not limited by that aspect. Closely related terms could include welfare, how a person is overall, and happiness, the balance between good and bad things in a person’s life. It creates a broader sense of self than the idea of self as the total of the state of our skin, hair, and nails.
What It Says
If self-care is the practice of caring for our well-being, happiness, physical, social, spiritual, and emotional state than how we handle that says a lot about our view of ourselves.
If I neglect myself what does that teach the kids? What does it say about our value as women and mothers? It doesn’t say much for us, and it establishes two key themes that I think we should consider for the long run.
First, that moms shouldn’t think about themselves and that children are preeminent above the needs of their parents. There are a plethora of books and resources that discuss what happens when children rule the home, but for the moment consider the simple fact that we are accepting a belief that one group of people is more valuable than another and to the point that they should neglect themselves for another’s sake. I am not certain that is what healthy parenting should be about.
Second, what about dad? Why are men kept out of the conversation?
If self-care embodies well-being, happiness, physical, social, spiritual, and emotional states than don’t men have a right to self-care. Isn’t it imperative that they care for themselves as well? Don’t we want all human beings to put in the effort to care for the whole sum of what makes them who they are?
I do and have been guilty of considering self-care a woman thing and completely overlooking the needs my husband has to care for his body, mind, and soul.
Someone did me a great disservice when they told me that I should give up everything for my kids, put myself on hold, tolerate pain and discomfort, and wait until they left home to live my life.
Parents understand the amount of work that it takes to care for human beings. They understand the amount of time required, finances needed, the resources that must be secured, and the amount of work it takes to care for the sum total of another person. The care that your children need is indicative of the care we all need.
We need to ensure every aspect of who we are is tended to and as adults it is our responsibility to ensure that happens. Self-care is the result of leaving home and becoming an adult. It is the natural progression from being cared for to caring for ourselves. Let’s do what we want our kids to do one day. Let’s take care of ourselves.
Marcy Pedersen
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