Just go back to how it was they say. So you want us to go back to how life was when I was twenty, he was twenty-three, we were broke, clueless, expecting our first child, and eating tortillas and peanut butter and jelly? I don’t think so. You say that as if you think I knew who I was back then. I had two years out on my own before I got pregnant and married. I was all of twenty years old when we started our life together. I had no time to figure out who I was as a woman, to experience much of life or the world before taking on a family, and no time to filter through what I brought with me from my upbringing to determine if I wanted any of that to come along for the ride.
I didn’t know how to cook—anything. I never liked babies so when I had my own I was pretty clueless how to take care of them. I am sure people were scared I was going to kill mine. I didn’t know who I was at ALL! I mean at all. I got married and just did what I knew, which was what I saw growing up. I hadn’t read, taken classes, or been exposed to different ways of how to live life. I hadn’t had enough time to begin developing goals for myself or even realizing I could do such a thing. I thrust myself into marriage and family without realizing the weight of what I was doing. No I don’t want to go back to that.
Should my husband and I just go back to how we were in our 30’s? Well he left me right after we had our fourth child and had an affair. He came back when the youngest was one. I had 1, 3, 5, and 10, was working part-time, and went back to college. Our 30’s were a shit show as we fumbled around to try to make things work without properly talking about or solving problems. No I am not going through that again. Then the 40’s. Just did it. It entailed raising kids, growing careers, kind of “arriving”, and then having them start leaving home and watching what we knew get pulled apart. It was the beginning of major life changes for me. No we must keep moving forward.
So as we face the empty nest and second adulthood it can’t be about going back. We can’t just skip back and pick up where we left off. I never started anything to go back to. I didn’t know who I was. All I knew was I loved this guy, I have been married to for 32 years, loved the sex, was utterly in love with his strength and the way he could stand up to my brand of crazy, and wanted to be with him 24/7. That is what I knew about life. I knew how to get pregnant and how to get married and off we went on a journey of pain, beauty, and life.
It is difficult finding a new locus of identity as we face our inevitable departure from this world. Before we had our entire lives ahead of us. There was time to explore, try things, and make mistakes, but we don’t feel that sense of freedom now. We feel limits and some of those have been engrained in our minds for over fifty years. We are talking about breaking free from the chains we have erected in our minds and hearts. About understanding a little more about life and charting a course with a treasure trove of information flowing through our heads. It’s about overcoming deep seeded fears and shedding expectations. All of which must happen as we still wear the hat of employee, co-worker, spouse, parent, religious follower, community and family member. We are a lot more than we were thirty years ago. It all plays a part.
My dad spent a greater portion of my childhood teaching me a few things. He would encourage me to read books, watch movies, expose myself to information, and even do mind expanding exercises to help me develop a large view of the world. He wanted me to see a big world and find my place in it. A skill that can be helpful as we determine what we want our second act to look like.
People who have lived through 50 plus years of life have a body of knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. Experiences have shaped and changed us. We are not who we used to be. As we face the inevitability of what is ahead, and as our kids leave home, we begin to see life with a new perspective. What comes next should be a result of all we were, all we are, and all we want to be. It might be a journey to figure out what comes next, but that is a beautiful thing. It is good to get the opportunity to feel uncomfortable long enough to make us question everything and then formulate a new plan. It is a gift for we are here and living and able to decide what comes next.
I don’t know what is ahead. How long my life will be. I am not far from being the confused twenty year old I was once was, but she has grown and matured. She knows a lot more than she did and if she can overcome her fears, embrace the fact that raising kids is over, and now it’s time for her to figure out how she wants to live life, she will do amazing things. I can hear dad saying, “Marcy, do you see.” Do you see this world, do you see opportunity, do you see beyond your borders? Yes, dad, I see. Then go out and find your new place in the world and live in it.
Marcy Pedersen
