Isn’t it funny how we can be completely oblivious as to what is coming once we are the parents of adults? Look at our own lives and what we put our parents through. Has it dawned on us that we are in store for parenting adults which will include some big life stuff. We will be their parents sitting on the sidelines watching it all happen.
In May 2019, I flew down to Florida to visit both my daughters. One was married and the other just moved down there. It was odd when I came off the plane to have my oldest daughter tell me to meet her out front of the airport. She was alone and didn’t want to park the car so late at night.
Her husband was always with her. He had been literally up her ass for six years. Why wasn’t he with her now? I reasoned since I got in late he probably didn’t come so he could get some sleep before work tomorrow. The next morning I woke up and he was already gone. I figured work was busy and he needed to head out. I was wrong.
My daughter took the opportunity to tell me about her crumbling life and marriage. I thought we were close, yet I heard about things completely new to me. Things that shocked me.
This was supposed to be an amazing girl’s weekend to help me through my midlife crisis. I lost weight and tanned for this. I was at the pinnacle of a depression I couldn’t shake, midlife confusion, and trying to cope with what I would later learn was serious peri-menopause symptoms.
This was my salvation vacation. I was determined to improve my life, but this is what I got instead.
“The divorce, she said, tore away from her everything in her “Cinderella dream.” But the divorce she talks about was her daughter’s, not her own. ”
Miyera Navarro/New York Times
My daughter and her ex-husband didn’t have kids, no home they had to sell, or business they needed to split. They decided to end their marriage on a Wednesday, and she left their apartment two weeks later with only her clothes and a computer, and I had to beg her to grab that.
For all intents and purposes, it was a clean break and with him living over 20 hours away from us I had no reason to see him or be involved. There were no decisions to make about being friends with his parents because they embraced his girlfriend/future wife and said goodbye to our daughter and us.
Though the break might have been quick and clean the process of helping our daughter through that and supporting her as she created a new life was not.
Helping your adult child through a divorce highlights of one of the main aspects of parenting that we don’t talk about. The fact that there is no one there to pat our back, give us support, or acknowledge what we are going through.
Remember your first baby and how everyone lost their mind about how cute they were and how they side stepped you to get a look at them. Remember how your pain, discomfort, lack of sleep, and general unrest as a new parent was overshadowed by cute little Johnny or Sally. Being the parent of an adult child in a divorce is similar, at least it was for me. Of course we don’t want the attention. It is about them, but as always, it is also about us.
Understand you’re probably not the first person your child called. “He may be more ‘divorce-ready’ than you realize,” said Marsha Temlock, of Westport, Conn., a retired vocational counselor and author of “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect — What You Can Do.”
Leslie Mann
Start by acknowledging that you have gone through a life changing experience. Stop looking for anyone else to agree with that.
Understand that moms aren’t good about speaking up about how hard parenting is. We got used to giving and never talking about us. It’s what we do, but this is the time to change that.
Even when big things like this happen we need to be developing a great life all our own. Part of that is looking realistically at our lives and acknowledging where we need to grow, what needs to change, where we need help, to heal, what is working and isn’t.
After Care Plan
Get used to less drama. I put this first because it’s the hardest part. My daughter called me every day for two years and texted nonstop. I remember someone saying why does she do that the divorce is over. Wrong thing to say! The divorce didn’t end neatly on one glorious day. It transitioned to moving, moving again, new jobs, new people, new grief, regret, and on and on and on. It took two years before things started to calm down and when they did I had to re-learn how to live without knowing how she was every minute of the day.
Re-establish boundaries. Boundaries for our time, finances, physical, emotional, and mental state. During the divorce I put on my super mom cape and ran to the rescue. I threw out all the rules so I could be there for her. As her life got back on track I had to re-establish healthy boundaries, regain my independence, get my life back on track, refocus on my career, hobbies, and health. Maybe we gave out a lot of money to help pay for things and may need to re-establish a financial boundary to get our finances under control.
Check On Your Relationships: How is your marriage or relationship with your partner? Were grandchildren involved and would it be in their best interest to have both sets of grandparents get along? Do some relationships need repaired? Do we have any friends left or need new ones?
We had tension in our family as people took sides and voiced their opinions. This caused division and eliminated a group of people that could have been very supportive to me. I had a decent relationship with God at one time but substituted that for drinking and a workout obsession when things got hard.
Check up on things and decide what needs fixed, strengthened, and let go of.
Make A Plan to Heal: Even clean-cut divorces are difficult for all those involved. My daughter’s emotional breakup with her husband happened years before their split so their physical separation wasn’t as hard for her, but the aftermath, and her trying to figure out her life for the first time on her own, was difficult for both of us.
If we can acknowledge what we have been through, we might be able to acknowledge we need some time to heal. We need to do what moms are hesitant to do and that is take care of us and you know why?
Prepare For What’s Next: There is more of life coming and if your kids divorce included grandchildren I am guessing it has never stopped. If you have other kids you will have more stuff.
You could even have another divorce down the road. Our own life can take many twists and turns. We simply don’t know what is coming, but rest assured, their recent divorce wont’ be all that you are going to go through.
One of the first things my daughter asked was, “Mom, are you disappointed?” and as quick as I could I tell her I wasn’t she asked if I was embarrassed to have a divorced daughter, and I told her no. I wished things could have worked out, but I understood that wasn’t possible so let’s move on to helping you create a great life.
My daughter called me every day for two years. I had to heal from that. I had to re-create my life, rebuild relationships, let some go, re-establish boundaries, and get used to less drama, for a while. Let’s show others how valuable we are by showing them how well we care for ourselves during and after difficult times.
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What is the hardest part of being a parent of adults, or the divorce your child just went through? Contact me anytime and let me know. I would LOVE to connect with other mom’s who want to talk about this.
Marcy Pedersen
