I remember telling my husband to turn left to get back home and he turned right. We laughed hysterically as he drove around an ice cream joint completely clueless as to why. I told my youngest daughter we had too much to drink and were acting like kids. I wasn’t surprised when she called to check on us.
It was the first time we had done that in over 30 years.
She gave us motherly type suggestions for getting home safe. After she hung up I went back to texting our oldest daughter. Our drunken shenanigans interrupted my conversation with her and assuring her about God’s will in her life. I got by with this because I didn’t tell her what was going on.
I had sunk to a new low, or high, depending on how you look at it. I was definitely in some type of life crisis and it signified the stage of life I was in.
How Not To Lose Your Faith
Several things threw me into a midlife crisis and one of them was leaving a spiritually abusive church. Leaving that church set me off on a quest to figure out how to heal and not abandon my faith. At the time it felt like a midlife rebellion, but in hindsight I see it as a midlife re-awakening.
I found a church to just be at for several years. This gave me time to heal and navigate several other major life changes. Part of these changes included moving three times, to two new cities, and eventually a new state.
During that time I continued to visit churches, read Christian books, and pray. It felt wrong not to become a member of a new church right away. You’ve read the social media posts, haven’t you? Not being faithful to church is paramount to questioning God.
In hindsight, what I really needed was to find my authentic self. Once I did I could figure out what that person believed and what church they fit into. It took time to question my doctrinal beliefs and find answers, but doing so set me up for a stronger faith in the second half of life.
What happened to the mom who took her four kids to church every Sunday? What happened to the woman who led a community women’s ministry for seven years and taught at church? Where was the version of myself whose main concern in life was loving the hopeless?
I had become a woman who was getting drunk and enjoying every minute of it. Something in me felt certain the questioning journey I was on was part of a bigger plan.
There are some things that don’t change and God is one of them. Because I didn’t understand what was going on, didn’t mean He didn’t. I knew we would get through it together.
Questioning isn’t something to be afraid of and doesn’t mean we are questioning the existence of God. We should embrace these times as a way to confirm what we truly believe and how we think faith should play out.
I look at Christian women in my life and am in awe at how they raise children, watch them leave home, and maintain their love for and participation in the same church as always.
I’m not that woman. I am a professional career woman, who drinks occasionally, cusses too often, has a spouse who never attends church, adult kids spread across the country, and loves God and His people.
I don’t know where I fit exactly, but I know I will find it and in the mean time I do what I can to find my place, strengthen my faith, and sustain my relationship with God.
Marcy Pedersen
