Throughout our parenting journey we are thrust into transitions we didn’t see coming or weren’t aware of. Pregnancy is when we get ready for the entrance of someone totally dependent on us and we begin to experience outside forces we have no control over. We begin to feel the weight of responsibility for this new person and the plethora of emotions that go with it.
The first year of parenting, like the first year of marriage, is a transition period where we go from it’s about me to it’s about us. Pre-school preps us for the school years, junior high preps us for high school, and high school is the transition out phase, in theory anyway.
Our understanding of when a child becomes an adult will determine when we consider our children adults on their own. Even when that happens the degree to which parents are involved in their kids’ lives varies greatly.
“Many mothers find this transition from their child’s love affair with them to the big side world difficult”—Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
At some point they move out, are financially on their own, and make all their own decisions. It is at this point that our parental involvement will, or should, become passive, until activated by them asking us for support, advice, or for our opinion. It’s not a stage of less importance, but of less activity. Right?
Defining Parental Involvement Is Key
If we simply slip into the next phase of parenting without analyzing our lives, we run the risk of living a life that isn’t our own and doesn’t reflect who we truly are and want to be in the second half of life.
There is work to be done during the empty nest transition that I believe is vital to our being able to live a passionate and full second half of life.
After our first two kids left home, we became long distant supporters, a weekly phone call, emotional support, and stood on call for them in case they needed our advice. It wasn’t something we thought out. We reacted the best we knew how based off what we thought it meant to be the parents of adults and according to the boundaries they set.
Our older two kids were financially independent and didn’t ask for support. The last two were a different story.
We were hitting a midlife crisis with both of us facing severe depression and disillusionment with life. Our involvement included being financially supportive, buying cars, funding trips, helping move, Ikea trips, traveling to help with life, stocking up the fridge, Door Dash treats, and on and on. If there was a need we met it. We didn’t think much about it.
The level of involvement we had took a toll on us financially, emotionally, and physically. There were sleepless nights with our phones at the ready on our nightstand. My husband and I messaging each other all day about how they were doing and making plans to buy them stuff as “needed”. Should we get her a shirt, order him dinner, and take her to the mall?
We got lucky in wearing ourselves out which was good because something needed to stop us. By the time our last one left home we were at the point of exhaustion and being truly ready for this way of life to change.
It was time to let go and take a passive role. We needed to give ourselves the space and resources needed to create a new life and couldn’t do that if we kept actively parenting. We needed to enjoy our quiet house and freedom while we had it. Because like people warned us, some of them came back home and we would have to readjust–again.
How Do We Define Our Role
How did we define our role as parents in the beginning?
We figured it out as we went along. As broke twenty somethings who just left dysfunctional homes, we had little to offer each other or a child, but that didn’t stop us from entering parenthood.
We took what we knew, not much, and applied it to parenting. We didn’t take classes, read books, go to workshops, or a conference. Once we matured, we started to define parenting in our own way, but by the time that came along we were almost done.
As we head into the second half of life it is a good time to define our role as the parents of adults in a way that reflects who we are, who they are, and what we have learned about life. It’s a good time to purposefully define the amount of involvement we will have in their life.
Why Does It Matter
As many people know we can live the greater portion of our lives on autopilot. If we did that in the first half it might have worked out for us, but as we head into the second half, isn’t it imperative that we use our time purposefully and that we add as much value as we can to our world and to those around us?
We are adult children and many of us have experienced first hand what unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships with our parents are like. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to repeat unhealthy patterns. I don’t want to be the last person my kids want to be around or that parent that sends them to counseling.
Live your best life. Spend time figuring out what that means. Spend time learning the many healthy ways and options for living in the second half of life as a parent who has adult children. How I am involved with my adult children will look different than how you are involved. That’s okay. Just do it with purpose, in a way that has meaning, thinks of others, and seeks to add the most value to every ones life.
Marcy Pedersen
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