Love your neighbor as yourself. I love them. Sure you do, but do you love them as you want to be loved. Before you answer that consider the fact that people who have loved you have not always treated you kind. Those who pledge their devotion to us failed us. They treated us unfairly, made demands, and gave ultimatums. They pledged their undying commitment to our care while causing us the most pain. They demanded attention and that we create a life that is pleasing only to them. We have been loved and that love has driven us to sedate and medicate our minds. It drives us to professionals who can help us make sense of what was done to us. It was all in the name of love so before you submit that you love your adult children as you love yourself let’s consider what we are talking about.
Love is patient, kind, it does not envy, boast, is not proud.
Within the confines of home we have the freedom to behave in any way we choose. If we live with a partner we may have someone there who can serve as a check and balance, but our kids didn’t have that luxury. We didn’t get that luxury growing up. Mom and dad can do and say what they want. They can create their own version of what home and family looks like. They can determine, even unbeknownst to them, what the expression of love looks like. Most of us leave home and head straight into adult life. Taking no time or even understanding why we would begin to analyze what we were taught. Then we become parents and bring into that setting what comes with us. As we age and mature we begin to see what needs to go and what can stay, but until we get there we often regurgitate what we were force fed.
Love does not dishonor, it is not self-seeking, not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong.
Let’s say that the premise is we should treat others as we want to be treated. Let’s forget how similar this is to a religious view. Let’s say that this premise is good for mankind because it gives us a foundation to live by in which we try to treat others kindly. Let’s say we lived by this in all the relationships we were in and we let it define how we treated adults that happen to be our children. I do you say. I wonder?
Should adults make small quiet comments that place doubt in the minds of others as to their life goals? Should adults make demands of others as to where they should be on different days and times? Do we have the right to guilt adults because they don’t come over to our house, don’t communicate with us when we want, and create a life that doesn’t put us at the center of it? Should we wield silence as a tool to convey our unhappiness? Should we make constant judgements about the worth of others plans and manipulate people until they submit to our way of doing things? No we shouldn’t, but parents do. How do you know?
Love protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
The message that was nailed into my head was, SHE ISN’T HAPPY, SHE DOESN’T LIKE. She only manipulates and tries to control me because the others won’t let her. I never stood up and because of that I got the silent treatment, no visits, demands, and judgements. In my 52 years of life I have yet to have a conversation with her about my hopes, dreams, goals, and visions for my future. We don’t talk about ideas, theories, and stories, about what we are reading, did read, want to read, where we want to go, and what we want to learn. I am told what time to show up, what to bring, what we will do. I am told this is love, but if this is what love feels like I don’t want any part of it. She isn’t the only person who is adamant they love me, yet are loving themselves.
One thing the empty nest does is give us space and time to look at our lives. It can be a good time to look at how we parent and love our children. Perhaps our parenting became dysfunctional along the way and our idea of what it meant to love someone skewed. We have the opportunity to look at what it means to be an adult and how adults should treat each other. We can look at how we want to be loved and consider if we are loving adult children in the same way. Adult children are not something to be controlled. We are no longer telling them what to do. We are watching them live their lives, loving and supporting them, and being there when they call. It is no longer about what we want and when we want it. Right?
I didn’t notice it until I was disgustingly sick and fed up of the same treatment. I wish I didn’t have to admit this, but it came to me. I noticed after sharing some very deep and emotional things with her that she didn’t respond if she was fearful or didn’t approve. I could share the most intimate pain I have ever had and she would say nothing.
My daughter called to share some personal news. Our relationship often feels strained. It’s her of course, or so I thought. She was sharing a decision she made and it happened. It is not something I would approve of. I got quiet and I realized she was well aware that my silence was a judgement. I didn’t follow up later and ask about how things were going, I didn’t interact with her as much, I was avoiding a situation “I” didn’t like. I had indeed become my mother. I was loving myself. If I was loving my daughter and thinking more of her I would be asking about her welfare, even when her life didn’t line up with how I thought it should.
Love never fails.
If we strive to treat others as we want to be treated we will be pursuing the best route towards having healthy relationships with others. Because an adult is our child doesn’t guarantee we will have a relationship with them. They don’t have to include us in their life. While we may feel they are obligated to because of all we did in reality it doesn’t work that way. If we truly loved them we did it for them not us. If we truly love them we will treat them as we want to be treated. We will respect the adults they are and enter into new relationships with them when they leave home. Relationships that are others focused and based off the desire to learn about and love these people we raised.
Marcy Pedersen
